I feel like abortions should bother me more
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
