He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
