i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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