sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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