Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She needs sedatives and a leash
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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