I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
