U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
