There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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