I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
