Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Welp...herpes.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
