found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
