guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
