I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
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