Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
