fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
