So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
