you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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