Got a toothbrush?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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