and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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