I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
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