Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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