just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
