The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
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I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
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Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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