I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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