Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
