Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
