You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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