just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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