I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
