party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
did i just pee glitter
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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