Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
jump out the window naked night went bad
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