I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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