we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
