i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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