When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
