girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
