He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
