if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
