My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
