Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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