the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
