I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
