that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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