I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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