hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
