you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Dear god my vagina.
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