it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
