the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
