her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
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i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I have feelings that need drinking.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
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Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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