i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
