I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
