i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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