the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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