True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
