Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
