I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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