She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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