my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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