I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
