and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
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