The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
