I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
